There is a worrying vibe around the Emirates Stadium these days. The man who looks after the nets only works a three-day week and they haven’t had to re-turf the six-yard box all season. While some are perplexed at this strange phenomenon, Arsenal fans know all too well what has brought it about; the Arsenal players have forgotten how to shoot.

Another busy afternoon for the Arsenal front line at the Emirates.

Arsene Wenger’s men, only a couple of seasons ago so prolific and dazzling in front of goal, have all seemingly developed a serious phobia of goalmouths, particularly of the opposition persuasion. The most shouted word by home fans in the stadium this season is ‘shoot’, closely followed by ‘you’, ‘useless’ and ‘twat’. Fans nearest to the pitch have heard the Arsenal players who bravely venture as far as the opponent’s penalty area saying, ‘After you, my good man’ and ‘Oh no I couldn’t possibly, after you old boy’ while passing the ball between them and making sure it stays out of the penalty area or ‘no man’s land’ as they like to call it. Alexander Hleb, the Belarussian import, is currently the most reluctant to ‘give it some laces’, preferring instead to run skillfully past three or four defenders, get the fan’s hopes up and then pass the ball gently to a grateful centre back who proceeds to very kindly set in motion a swift counter attack..

Theo Walcott, hailed as being pretty much the new everything, from the next Thierry Henry to the next Milky Bar Kid, is next in line in the goal-o-phobia stakes. Suffering from what is being referred to as the ‘Rocastle effect’, young Walcott can be seen running at opposition defenders and, like Hleb, getting the fans on their feet in anticipation. Then, just when the goal is gaping and the goalkeeper looks like a young fawn staring down the grille of an Eddie Stobart express, Walcott decides to take ‘just one more touch’ and ends up either falling over, getting a nose bleed or plain old forgetting what it is he’s supposed to do with that white spherical thing at his feet. By the time he’s realised, the ball is back up by the halfway line, he’s 30 metres offside and he’s just remembered he’s got double maths this afternoon with that horrible Mrs Firethighs.

In his efforts to counter the worrying trend, Monsieur Wenger has apparently tried all sorts of things; bonding sessions, where the players have a picnic in the actual goal itself; a sleepover in the six yard box; even a ‘pin the tail on the crossbar’ competition, the result of which was three hospitalisations and Walcott’s parents being called to pick him up because he’d been sick in his satchel.

Whatever the cause of the problem, only time will tell if the Arsenal players can get over it and actually get back to the business of scoring goals that don’t have to be preceded by 436 passes and Islington Council planning permission.

Until that time, premiership goalkeepers due to play at the Emirates can look forward to taking some of that holiday entitlement they’ve been saving up all year.   NJ

* Published in 'The Gooner' fanzine, 29 April 2007.