Sussex police, after noticing the rise in ‘fractious and argumentative’ behaviour amongst the locals, have decided to deploy extra officers on nights when the moon is at its fullest and the residents of Brighton are apparently at their most lycanthropic.

Bizarrely, the police have decided to throw into the mix the fact that the number of violent crimes also increases on month-end paydays too. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they’re trying to say here. We all go a little mad on payday, so why should it be different for werewolves? The local spokes-thing for the local silver-bullet dodgers defended her fellow moon-howlers. ‘Really, I don’t see what the fuss is about. Those in the community lucky enough not to have been hideously scarred by a werewolf can be seen out most weekends, engaging in all sorts of shenanigans. But when a werewolf does it, the whole world’s in uproar. It’s one rule for humans, another for those who sprout hair, walk on all fours, howl at the moon and violently dismember members of the general public. This disparity must be addressed, this is the 21^st century for crying out loooooooouuuuud.’

We spoke to Brendan, a mild mannered janitor for most of the month but who changes into a blood thirsty killing machine with every full moon. ‘OK, so the results of our behaviour on payday can be a little more grotesque than if we weren’t in a never-ending limbo, but people just don’t realise what it is that gets us so wound up on that particular day. Full moons, I’ll admit, we all lose ourselves a bit and have a bit of fun, get carried away but paydays carry their own significance to us. It’s that day when we open our pay-slips and, well, the taxes are ridiculous. We get taxed more than pure-blood humans because apparently we’re more of a burden on the county council. We might cause more trouble and be responsible for marginally more horrific mutilations, but do you see us pissing in the street at one in the morning, or having a quick bunk up with some slapper we’ve just pulled in Chicago’s? They’re the real monsters, mate. Anti-social monsters.’

We asked Nathan Tidybin of the Sussex Sanitation Committee about the increased taxes the occasionally four-legged population are forced to pay. ‘They don’t seem to acknowledge that their activities put such a strain on local services. The morning after a full moon there’s blood all over the pavements, there are body parts strewn all over the streets and in the parks. Early in the morning, the streets can sometimes be teeming with naked lycanthropes strolling home after returning to their human form. Can you imagine the health and safety headache that gives us? I’ve got virtual armies of street cleaners ready to roll as soon as the sun rises, so that the town can get back to normal before the wider population even leave their houses for work.’

The police themselves have even come in for criticism, with accusations from some quarters of them provoking violent and anti-social behaviour on such nights. We spoke to two officers who are regularly on duty every full moon, PC Hairy O’Flaherty and PC Mick the Blatant Werewolf to get their side of the story. ‘It’s just not true,’ said PC O’Flaherty, ‘the fingers always point at the authority figures, so they do. We’re an easy target, so we are, don’t ya know, young fella me lad.’ PC Blatant Werewolf was more vehement in his defence of the force, ‘I f***in’ love full moon, me. Best time of the month. LET’S ‘AVE IT!’

Sussex police have vowed to carry on their research into the phenomenon and have set up a number people can text to alert the authorities to any werewolf-like behaviour in the town. If you’re ever in Brighton and see anything suspicious, just text ‘FANG’ to 077BLUDLUST.

NJ