Bad Sex Awards Winner Unveiled
The 14th Annual ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’ awards were announced in November, with the late Norman Mailer taking first prize. The excerpt, taken from his last novel, The Castle in the Forest, was judged to have been the worst of all the nominated texts, amongst which was Harry Potter actor David Thewlis’s novel, The Late Hector Kipling.
Little Jane wondered why mummy had left some ‘funny smelling marbles’ in her Harry Potter book.
Widely regarded as a writer of immense talent and vision and blah blah blah, Mailer may well now be turning, albeit quite sexily and provocatively, in his grave. The judges of the awards declared Mailer’s efforts, “the clumsiest and most hackneyed attempt at sexual description since Jade Goody tried to describe giving a toe-sucking to her boyfriend, in the Sunday Sport.”
Part of the winning excerpt goes thus,”…took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement.” Marco Matted-Pubes, Chairman of the judging panel, described how they came to their decision. “It was a close run thing, right up until the mention of excrement, then all bets were off, there could only be one winner.”
Maria Nippleclamp, another of the authors in the running for the award, declared her bewilderment at Mailer’s posthumous victory. “It’s just ridiculous. I mean, the man’s dead, god rest his smutty soul, so at least give it to someone who can turn up and accept the thing! I worked my smooth and sensuous backside off, fine tuning my work just so I would stand a chance of taking home this award and I’m beaten by a stiff…actually, do you have a pen, that’s not a bad idea.” Ms Nippleclamp then proceeded to write ‘Beaten by a stiff’ on a napkin and declared it copywritten there and then.
With all the limelight being hogged by the winner, we thought it only proper to showcase the work of one of those unfortunate enough not to walk away with the award. So, here’s the entry that finished third overall, an excerpt from Franco Greasino’s debut novel He’s Only Gone and F**ked ‘Er.
With the night watchman nicely sedated, Sebastian walked into the morgue with the raging horn.
We think that’s about enough, you get the picture. NJ