Kelsey, a 42 year old factory worker from Wisconsin said he was dismayed at the news. “I just don’t know what the boy’s thinkin’ of, comin’ over here, stealin’ a job from a perfectly able, whole hearted American. Boy, he must have himself a whole head full of sawdust.”

Clancy, a 76 year old grill chef from Arkansas, however, thought Beckham’s move to the States could only be beneficial for all involved. “Bring ‘em in and more of ‘em, that’s what I say. The game of soccer in America right now is just seen as a game played by airy-fairy faggots who don’t like getting’ they hair all messed up and who’re always huggin’ and kissin’ and shit. Bringin’ in an experienced pro, why that’s the best damn thing they coulda done, gosh darn it.’ Clancy declined to add anything further to his statement as he had got himself so worked up he had wet himself quite spectacularly and had to be excused.

Kelsey added, “And what’s the deal with you all stealin’ the damn word football anyhows? It ain’t football, that’s that gridiron we done got goin’ on over here, where the men is men and they know how to kick the ever-lovin’ shit outta each other. What you all play is called soccer, you hear?” On hearing us explain the fundamentals behind each sport (i.e. that ‘gridiron’ is basically rugby for fairies and that football is a game played with a ball which is moved around the pitch primarily with the foot), Kelsey had clearly had enough of the interview and attacked us with his pet pig, Jemima, and his sawn off shotgun – also called Jemima.

We tried to set up an interview with the American FA. They were reluctant to talk to us but a spokesperson from an affiliated organisation did offer a brief statement; “We at the American Soccer School of Higher Order Leagues and Entertainment [A.S.S.H.O.L.E.] wholeheartedly support the influx of 30-something stars. It’s about time Americans woke up and realised that there’s a wider world out there. We also put all our weight behind the inaugural season of the soccer world series, to be played out by teams from every state in our fine country. Any of you foreigners want in, ya’ll can go to merry hell.”   NJ