Big Brother Bore

So it’s upon us again. That time of the year when Channel 4 ask the majority of their staff to use up what they can of their holiday entitlement. The reason? Big Brother is back on our screens and while it’s there, there’s bugger all else happening on the channel. Every waking hour is dedicated to the show that highlights what a diverse and idiotic nation of twats we can really show ourselves up to be. With the world watching, or at least a world consisting solely of women and gay men, Big Brother is under pressure to deliver something more than the usual car crash TV.

The Big Brother logo, not just a test-card, apparently.

The housemates this year, the 45^th in the show’s run, include a transvestite, a paraplegic, an obsessive compulsive, a token gay man (of course), an aggressive-defensive lesbian (again, of course), a militant black guy, homosexual-racist-blind-dwarf conjoined twins, a three legged horse with emotional issues and a fairly unassuming half eaten packet of pork scratchings. The early money was reportedly on the pub snack.

The first action came when the housemates were assigned personal tasks, involving such testing activities as putting a ball on a table, spelling the word ‘a’, blinking, breathing and, the real toughy, wearing clothes. Needless to say they failed and, as punishment, were denied food for the next three days, apart from one housemate who was told to eat gourmet food in front of his housemates. Channel 4 bosses denied this was designed to provoke a violent reaction in the other housemates in a bid to get something mildly interesting happening.

Last week, in what some saw as an act of pure desperation by the show’s producers, (Ellie, a 3 year old gibbon and 4 cartons of curdled milk) sent in Robert, a 27 year old fitness instructor from Surrey and, by a country mile, the most normal housemate in years.  Robert’s brief was apparently to engage on some level with the simpleton’s already in the house, in an attempt to lift the level of conversation from such pressing issues as, ‘Why is rain wet?’ and ‘Why can’t I fit inside the cooker?’  After a week, news got out that Robert had finally made contact with the housemates and viewing figures soared to almost 340. It was then that Channel 4 bosses felt confident enough to unveil what they described as their ‘showstopper’. On day 8 of his stay, Channel 4 activated the chip they had installed in Robert’s head before letting him into the house. This chip, said Channel 4 representatives, was designed to stimulate certain regions of Robert’s brain that controlled temper and aggression. At 5.00p.m. on day 34 of this year’s Big Brother, that chip was activated. At 5.04p.m. on the same day, all the original housemates were dead; killed by Robert in a frenzied and unstoppable rage, armed with patio furniture, some decking and what the producers described as ‘Garden-Cam 3’.

The jury is out on whether this year’s big brother and the ensuing slaughter was a success, even after its sudden curtailment. The only certain thing is that it’ll be back next year, as Channel 4 today announced that it had commissioned another 27 shows.

NJ