Binge Drinkers in Danger of Losing Crown

Britain is rapidly losing its title as the binge drinking capital of the world. Work-dodgers throughout the land have traded beer and kebabs for regular exercise and salads.

Dean Chav and Wayne Pettycrime are considering careers in medicine and law respectively.

Today our one-time body abusers are a laughing stock, sneered upon by our European counterparts. Pedro Fontaine, an undergraduate at El Horbag University, Bilbao, is amazed by the turnaround. "You gringo's don't go out and get hammered anymore? Ha! You're more pathetic than Andorra!" Serge Frenchman, a struggling artist from Nantes, said "That iz zo stoopid. I laf in ze farce of ze tee-totale Engleeshman!"

Billy Beerbreath, currently avoiding employment in Staines, Middlesex, is something of a traditionalist and has vowed to remain drunk and abusive throughout the weekend. "If I wanna get smashed in me local Wetherspoons, hit a club and get some tart from the estate up the duff, then I will."

Chief of the Metropolitan Police, John Plod, was keen to discuss the crisis. "What on earth is happening to the dregs, sorry, the low-lives, sorry, the youth of today? Back when I was at Hendon it was all about alcohol and drug fuelled romps and punch-ups and now what? 'Have your tea, do the dishes and get an early night because you've got work in the morning?' It's ridiculous." We then left Mr Plod who pulled us back hastily to continue. “And another thing, people talk about bringing back National Service. Do me a favour! What this lot need is a few weeks in a crack house and a good old diet of booze and cheap care-free sex.”  JG