Poultry legend Bernard Matthews is wanted for police questioning in relation to the actions of his namesake, Bernard Manning. The need for Mr Matthews to come forward is of the utmost importance as the government continues its battle to eliminate the H5N1 virus, more commonly known as Bird Flu. Recent attempts to ply the sick birds with Lemsip and even Lemsip Max have been performed, but to no avail.

Claims of Mr Matthews over-medicating his turkeys are, as yet, unproven.

Manning was found at the company’s headquarters in Norfolk surrounded my hundreds of dead birds. The discovery was made by police who raided the premises having received an anonymous phone call. Thomas Giles, a representative from The Norfolk Constabulary, told how he believes the unidentified caller was not a local. “The call was made with no features of the typical Norfolk accent. The caller did not speak in a slow, drawling manner and we were actually able to understand what he was saying.” Since making this statement, Mr Giles has been suspended and is currently being questioned over accusations of Norfolkism.

Celebrity chef and motivational speaker, Delia Smith, was shocked to learn of the incident. “Norfolkism has to stop. People have the misconception that Norfolk is full of so-called ‘carrot-crunchers’ and we all drive about in combine harvesters. This is not the case. In Norwich City, we have a very go… err… we also have a football team.” Her accompanying brother nodded along in agreement with the statement. “Neither do we have physical relationships with our own family members.” Smith then clenched her brother’s hand, gazed deep into his eyes and walked away. Smith, who may or may not have been heavily intoxicated, left the scene without sharing her view on the controversy surrounding the Bird Flu epidemic.

Chief Constable Paul Ballshitti voiced his opinions on the event. “It is not my job to speculate, but it is my job to investigate and investigate in a fair and just manner. Mr Manning is yet to make a public statement, but he asked me to tell both his loyal fans that he is entirely innocent of any wrong doing. He wants to make it absolutely clear that he did not behave in an inappropriate way with any of the poultry or devour twelve turkeys in as many minutes.” Ballshitti continued “Accusations of Mr Manning behaving in this way are completely false and there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. The purpose of our enquiry is to learn how the disease spread. Research has shown that acts of incest are a common cause of the disease, but as Mrs Smith drunkenly stated, such behaviour does not occur in these parts."   JG