Brown Hits The Sauce

It seems even the most powerful man in the country is partial to a little falling down juice every now and then. Newly appointed Prime Minister Gordon Brown was found in the early hours of the 27th of September, wandering the streets of Whitehall, wearing only his socks and clutching a bottle of Tequila. When challenged by a police officer, Mr Brown was heard to shout, ‘Piss off, I pay your bloody wages!”

The sauce in full effect, Brown launched into his favourite Scorpions song...

Mr Brown was taken to a central London police station ‘for his own safety’ and the crowd of late night revellers that stumbled upon him were ‘encouraged’ not discuss what they had seen, with anyone. Fortunately, José Ramirez Conchico Consuela Fernandez Putney was one of the bystanders not so easily dissuaded. He described what he saw to us.

“Well, we had just come out of the pub and were all a bit, you know, worse for wear after two-for-one night. Anyway, we’d only got a hundred metres or so down the road when we saw this figure stumbling towards us, bouncing off postboxes and cars, setting off alarms and knocking over bins. As he got closer, we could hear him singing something about a high road and a low road. It was then that we realised that he was completely naked apart from his socks, which were held up by mini suspenders. A few of the girls we were with seemed pretty impressed with what he was packing and were up for taking him down an alleyway for a closer inspection. Come to think of it, so was my friend Dwayne, but we’ve always had doubts about him.”

It seems Mr Brown had been on the sauce since the early evening and had somehow managed to evade the beady eyes of his Secret Service minders. There were rumoured sightings of the Prime Minister earlier that evening at an array of nightspots. Door staff at Stringfellows, Browns and Spearmint Rhino all reported letting the PM into their establishments, albeit fully clothed at that stage.

CCTV footage leaked to wemadethisup.com shows Mr Brown wandering into an off-licence just off Piccadilly Circus around 11p.m. and leaving with what must have been the Tequila he was seen chugging from, hours later. The only other sighting of the intoxicated Chief Executive on the footage showed him ducking into Hyde Park, discarding his tie as he went.

The reasons for the school-night bender can only be guessed at, as Downing Street officials are remaining tight lipped on the whole issue. The only comment released so far has been, “Mr Brown attended an official dinner with the Royal Chess and Bridge League yesterday evening.”

As for his absent clothes, it seems only Gordon Brown himself will be able to solve that riddle. However, reports have been coming in of police allegedly taking into custody an infamous tramp, known only as ‘Grumpy Jim’, due to ‘him far better dressed than usual.’   NJ