Bush Loses Brain
Karl Rove, widely believed to be the man behind George W Bush’s successes at the last two US Elections, stepped down at the end of August. Dubbed ‘Bush’s Brain’ in some quarters (it’s unclear whether or not this title is actually used as an insult), Rove has left behind him a debatable legacy. He has also left a President lost in the wilderness, now unable to function properly.
Unable to decide between the combover or the mullet, Rove chose both.
The effects of Rove’s impending absence were evident almost immediately. President Bush’s first press conference after his advisor announced his intention to step down, couldn’t have been more baffling. When asked about the huge blow that Mr Rove’s resignation dealt his administration, Bush replied, “Now, hang on, let me contextify what’s been occurinating. Karl resignified after years of loyal servitude and while I for one will miss him, no man is irreplacacant. We’ll continue to work hard for the American people and I can promise you all one thing…thankyou.”
Karl Rove’s departure is just another in a series of high profile ‘desertions’. Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft, left office in 2005, while Andrew Card, (the man who famously whispered the news of the September 11 attacks in Bush’s ear while the President was attending his weekly kindergarten class) resigned as Chief of Staff in 2006, amid speculation that the war in Iraq was being perceived as ‘another Vietnam’. Colin Powell’s resignation in 2004 left Bush’s credibility bruised after Mr Powell’s stinging parting shot, stating simply, “The guy’s an asshole.”
With his staff distancing themselves in preparation for the end of his tenure as President, Bush’s behaviour is becoming more erratic. White House sources (a couple of gardeners we collared) have told us that GWB can regularly be seen running around the White House gardens in the early hours of the morning, wearing nothing but flip-flops, chasing imaginary fairies and shouting things like, “Don’t fly away pretty birds!” and “I’m gonna catchify you!”
The President’s speeches and press conferences, always good sources of what are being called ‘Bush-isms ’, have become even more surreal. When asked recently about the situation in Iraq, the President’s reply was even more bizarre than usual, “Well, I think the Iraqians would do well to just go about their everyday business and let our boys do their jobs and get the milk back into the country. That way, all the citizens of Bagamadad can look forward to a peacitude and laxitivity that they couldn’t enjoy under Nasser Hussein.”
While his critics will no doubt jump on his latest comments, George W Bush can expect the unwavering support of what is left of his staff. The most senior of them, José Fernandez, a part-time White House cleaner, said, “Señor Boosh, he a kind man and he let me see lots and lots of things, like treaties, bills and naughty photos of Condoleeza Rice and a panda, so I will stay until he leaves. ”
*Breaking news – After the latest resignation, of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Bush has been fending off accusations of him now heading up a ‘Lame Duck Administration’, saying, “Lame duck? No, this ain’t no lame duck. Why, we’re more like a pony with plaits in it’s tail or a big dog carryfying a branch. Yeah, that’s what we are, a pretty pony-dog carrying a tree. Thank you.” NJ