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Channel 5 Shake Up

In a desperate attempt to halt ever declining viewing figures, B-rate movie enthusiasts, Channel 5, have taken drastic action by spending heavily on new talent. The exact figure, believed to be close to the Ł500 mark, is the largest amount ever spent by the channel. The most notable of additions include dart show legend, Jim Bowen and mediocre at best comedy double act, Hale and Pace.

The channel has renovated their daily listings which are now comprised of even more avoidable programming than ever before. We managed to speak to Jim Bowen who shared his thoughts on his new show. “I’m chuffed t’bits”. We then asked Jim what he had been doing since falling into the abyss of TV game show rejection. Bemused by our line of questioning, Jim replied “You can't beat a bit o’ bully!”

Jim was delighted with his monthly salary: a ridiculous hat and a pair of second hand shoes.

Below is an extract from a typical day’s programming:

6.00am Milkshake! Loads of kiddy programs which kill a few of hours.

9.00 The Wright Stuff A poor man’s Maury Povich speaks to a group of national embarrassments.

10.30 Trisha Goddard A poor man’s Oprah Winfrey speaks to a group of national embarrassments.

11.30 News Pretty self-explanatory, really.

12.00pm Home & Away Is this still on?

12.30 Dawson’s Creek Trashy teen ‘drama’ about a guy who enters people’s homes via the window.

1.25 FILM Lassie A poor man’s Skippy the Bush Kangaroo saves the day.

3.00 Super Smashing Great Jim Bowen takes a look at the greatest double finishes in darts.

4.00 A Poor Man Documentary about a tramp and his daily struggles to find food.

It was back in August of 2002 when the UK’s fifth terrestrial television channel launched their most aggressive marketing scheme yet. Not content with bombarding viewers with the likes of flagship soap Family Affairs, David Beckham Annoys the Americans and coverage from the World Antelope Championship, Channel 5 blew their staggering Ł38 budget on a pointless re-branding scheme. In an attempt to shake off their reputation for broadcasting programs with as much substance as an empty aerosol can, Channel 5 became... Five. The channel had considered the use of a symbol to represent their identity, and, for a short time, demanded to be referred to as ‘The Channel Formerly Known As Channel 5’ until viewers lost interest in them altogether.

Despite spending heavily on acts, Five are currently in discussions with several other has-beens. Russ Abbott, Paul Daniels and The Krankies top of the list with the cast of The Bill on standby should any of the trio reject the offer. JG