Chavs throughout Britain were raising their two-litre bottles of value cider in celebration last night. The reason for their joy being the number of benefits they will soon receive as result of a new government initiative.

The hubcap-stealing-fake-designer-garment-wearing-tax-dodging-parasites (according to some) are set for a benefit windfall.

The new scheme aims to fully integrate chavs into society, allowing them to live harmoniously with other groups. Chav Centres are currently being erected throughout Birmingham, London, Manchester and Newcastle in an attempt to achieve positive integration. The government also supported a recent music festival to help raise funds for the centres. Chavstonbury took place last Saturday at Hyde Park and raised Ł25.73 thanks to the performances of top chav acts Lily Allen and The Streets.

Children's favourite Andy Asbo will soon appear on Nickelodeon.

Despite an influx of complaints from tax paying, law abiding and generally pleasant members of the public, the government will not be deterred from increasing chavs benefits. Head of Chav Integration and Relations, Henrietta Powell-Thomas, said “Chavs are no different from the rest of the population. They are entitled to receive government assistance just like everyone else.”

We are saddened to learn that Mrs Powell-Thomas was mugged by a gang of youths shortly after she gave us this statement. She described her attackers as male, in their mid to late teens, each wearing a hoodie and “the scum of the earth who I’ll track down and kill if it’s the last thing I do.” 

The benefits which Tom and other job-shy scroungers (again, according to some) will enjoy, include:

·        Market vouchers to be used on counterfeit goods

·        Fake Burberry baby grows (capped to a maximum of six children per family)

·        A case of Stella Artois lager and a pack of 20 Benson & Hedges cigarettes to be given to all chav children on their fourteenth birthday (girls only)

·        Permission to behave in an antisocial manner

·        Exemption from employment

Note: We would like to inform our readers that unlike other publications and media bodies, we do not support or condone the recent abuse and prejudices aimed towards chavs. We would like to remind readers that we are an equal opportunities webzine and will distribute our sarcasm and general resentment to a cross section of individuals and groups. Thank you.      JG