Christmas is Cancelled
These days you can’t call a teddy bear Mohammed without signing your own death warrant and saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes could see you denounced as a witch. Well, it just got a whole lot worse – Christmas has been officially cancelled.
Snoopy, or ‘Non-Denominational Neutral Coloured Canine’ as he’s been renamed, reluctantly dismantled his now-banned display.
The word from Whitehall, or ‘Slightly-brighter-than-magnoliahall’ as it has been renamed, is that the holiday season that occurs around the end of the year offends those of alternative faiths. The decision was taken by Prime Minister Gordon ‘Coffee-colour-with-not-so-much-milk’ after consulting with leaders of the Jewish, Muslim, Islamic, Afro-Caribbean, Chinese and Jedi communities. It is thought that occasions such as Ramadan, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and even a new Jedi Festival of Light (Sabres) will be honoured as usual as no-one outside these faiths has complained about them being offensive.
In order to ensure that the new ruling is complied with, a new set of laws was rushed through parliament in early December, including:
- No Christmas trees or festive lights to be put on public displays as these apparently exclude followers of other faiths from the celebrations, otherwise know as ‘rubbing it in their faces’.
- No Christmas carols to be sung in public places – this was actually uncontested.
- Wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’ is punishable by 6 lashes from a Cat ‘O Nine Tails. The same goes for saying ‘Happy Christmas’, ‘Happy Yuletide’, ‘Greetings of the Season’ and ‘Praise be to Jesus our Lord and saviour who died for our sins and all that.’
- The exchange of presents and the consumption of turkey will not be allowed. These acts are said to offend those who cannot afford to buy other people presents and those people who are of Turkish descent.
A spokesman for ‘Keep Christmas – We Really Like It and Everything’, Chris Mass told us, “It’s just silly, cancelling Christmas. So many people enjoy it and you don’t see us complaining about Randyman or Anneka do you? We don’t even know what they are! We’re lobbying for a new holiday over the same period and we’re going to call it Xmas. The idea is we’re just a few, well around two-billion, mates who are celebrating our mate John’s birthday on December the twenty fifth. Seeing as there are so many of us, he’ll never get to visit us all on the big day so he’s asked us just to give each other presents rather than bother with the postage. Besides, he says he doesn’t have the storage space since his girlfriend moved into his flat with all her fitness equipment. I think it’s an idea we can all get behind.”