Cigarettes Clampdown

The government has put up the legal age for buying cigarettes to 18 in the hope that doing so will discourage young smokers.  Blinkered MPs were recently patting each other on the back and lighting up fat cigars to toast yet another utterly pointless piece of legislation.

12-year-old Janine has been smoking for five years

Smokey Woodbine, MP for Crackwhore South and a major advocate of the age limit increase, told us, “This is yet more proof that this government is serious about reducing the numbers of young people who smoke in this country. I don’t know about you, but if I was 16 today and wanted a cigarette, I’d think twice and probably just go and play by a puddle with my bestest friends…or whatever it is the little bastards do these days.”

The legislation, brought in at the beginning of October, has been heralded by those loyal to the government as a major step forward in the fight against underage smoking, cancer, obesity, adult illiteracy, hereditary baldness, knobbly knees, PMT and anything else they can crowbar in. Opposition MPs describe the measures as being ‘too little’, claiming that it doesn’t go far enough. Bible McSermon, MP for Christ North, had this to say, “Frankly, I can’t think of anything more disgusting than seeing a fifteen year old child puffing away on a cigarette…and I’ve watched each of my seven children being born. Now that’s a sight, I can tell you. These kids don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for. It may seem ‘cool’ to begin with, but then it gets addictive. At work, they’ll have to stand in the rain just to get a few puffs. They won’t be able to smoke in bars, restaurants or brothels. It’s a long road to hell, my friends and I don’t think they’re aware of the taxi fare…and it’s double time on bank holidays…and no eating in the back or it’s a fine.”

We asked a selection of children, hanging around outside our local Netto, what they thought of this new obstacle to their tobacco treats. Fourteen-year-old Spence said, “It don’t matter, I just nick ‘em anyway. I ain’t never paid for ‘em in the past anyhow.” Ten-year-old Candice told us, “It won’t make no difference, I’ll just ask my mates to get them for me and we’ll carry on. Ain’t no bovver.” Finally, we tried to ask Shaniqua, a heavily pregnant twelve year old for her views but on seeing our microphone, she tried to light it before punching Candice and taking the already lit cigarette out of her mouth. She then blew the smoke down her skirt ‘so the baby gets a head start’.   NJ