Crap Degrees For All
The Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls, has revealed that a new batch of degree subjects will be introduced for the 2009/10 academic year. The new subjects are Bacon Studies, Shoe Lace Tying, Colouring In and perhaps the most challenging of them all, Arithmetic With Single Figure Numbers.
Balls said “These qualifications will equip students with the skills they need to survive in the modern day world of employment. I myself have recently obtained a degree in Sitting, which I am extremely proud of. I only hope that other students who are considering going to university will use me as an example of what can be achieved by enrolling for a pointless degree subject.”
Cassie couldn’t wait to show off her Jelly Making degree.The British educational system has come under rigorous scrutiny in recent years, by both the press and the public. Increasing the age of compulsory education is a favourite topic of debate, as is the great ‘let’s give students money for just turning up’ scheme. Jeremy Thickchild, a pet shop assistant by day and active campaigner by night, wants to see a shift in the type of person who can realistically enrol as an undergraduate. “I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the brightest tool in the box. But I think that everyone should be given a degree.” We then attempted to explain the current educational structure to Mr Thickchild, but to no avail. “I think Mr Bollocks is really nice. I heard him say that in the next couple of years they might start teaching Bird Cage studies. I know loads about bird cages. Did you know that the first bird cage ever-” we apologise for not being able to report the full quote. We walked away at this point.
Below is a comprehensive breakdown of the new degree subjects:
Arithmetic With Single Figure Numbers
This course is specifically designed for those with eight fingers and two thumbs. The requirement is mandatory as this will enable students to use parts of their anatomy for more difficult questions. This also saves students from removing their footwear to access other counting devices.
Bacon Studies
This innovative course challenges students to learn the basic, intermediate and advanced principles of bacon. In their third and final year of study, students must write a 15000 dissertation about their favourite rasher of bacon.
Colouring In
This course is suitable for all students whether they are able to
successfully colour within guidelines or not.
Shoe Lace Tying
This course is designed for advanced level students only. Those who are only able to fasten their shoes using Velcro will not be considered
Whether it’s blinking, stapling or talking which future graduates succeed in, we here at wemadethisup.com would like to commend them all. With this in mind, we plan to emigrate immediately before our frightening bleak future becomes the present. JG