It all got a bit messy 'down under' recently. The Indian cricket team's tour of Australia was marred by as much controversy and foul play as a US election.

The traditionally quaint (if not frustratingly slow) sport of white jumpers, spots of tea and gentlemanly conduct turned nasty with accusations of racism, corruption and a severe shortage of prawn and watercress sandwiches available during lunch.

Manjit Singh became so angry that his fist quadrupled in size. 

One Indian fan was so enraged with what transpired in Sydney that he removed his clothes, changed into an Australian replica kit and set himself on fire. Another fan, known only as Raj, performed an act of genocide on all seven of his pet monkeys, oops, we mean long tailed, chimpanzee-like mammals.

Things really reached fever pitch when Indian spin bowler, Harbhajan Singh, was accused of calling Andrew Symonds “a monkey”. Singh venomously denied the claim saying “I never called anyone a monkey. Besides if I was to call Symonds anything, it would probably be a great big fat hairy hippo.”    JG