The UK acting community is in shock today as it is has been revealed that British actor Danny Dyer is suffering from a severe case of typecasting. Dyer, star of films such as Mean Machine, Football Factory and The Business is said to be so depressed about the situation that he is turning down portions of jellied eels by the dozen.

Dyer contemplates how to prepare for his next role…a ‘sitting down cheeky cockney’.

Dyer became known for playing ‘cheeky cockney chappies’ early in his career and is proud of his roots, hailing from ‘good old Cannin’ Taaiirrnn’ in London’s East End, and is regularly spotted on the high street ‘being cheeky’.

He was always regarded as a bright, up-and-coming British actor and big things were thought to be coming his way after he paid his dues with the obligatory appearances on programmes such as The Bill, Prime Suspect, A Touch of Frost and Soldier Soldier. Amazingly he was overlooked as the ‘cheeky cockney’ in Eastenders, with Shane Richie taking the role that was seemingly made for Dyer. It’s a matter that still angers Dyer to this day. “Wa**ers”, he was recently quoted on the subject.

As he moved from small parts on television to movie roles, he really came into his own, unleashing all manner of cockney cheekiness on a wider audience. Before long, international audiences were introduced to the man’s ‘talents’ and were soon asking, ’Who is this man?’, ‘Where are the subtitles?’ and ‘Why is he still talking?’ With roles in films such as Football Factory, Mean Machine and The Business, Dyer cemented his place in the industry as the ‘go to’ guy, if a film company needed an emergency cockney twat. The world was seemingly his oyster, or at least his cockle.

However, the dream began to turn sour when Dyer went looking for more challenging roles. He recalls, “I wanted to broaden my range, d’ya nah what I mean? I’d had enough of ‘cheeky cockney chappies’ and was looking to stretch myself, as an actor ‘n’ all that bollocks. I wanted to move on to things like being a ‘cheeky cockney geezer’ or maybe a ‘cheeky cockney scallywag’ but no-one wanted me to make such a radical change. It right wound me up the ol’ apples and strife.” To prove his point he went on to star in Severance and Outlaw, in which he put a clever and slightly rebellious spin on his usual stereotypical performance, introducing the world to his ‘slightly older cheeky cockney chappy’, to much critical apathy.

In recent years, Dyer has sought to raise his international profile by publicly castigating actors like Ewan MacGregor and Orlando Bloom for ‘selling out’ and earning huge Hollywood salaries while he was left to earn around £500 a week on low budget London-based films. He ranted, while spitting his mouthful of Winkles at us, “There are a certain group of actors like Ewan McGregor, Orlando Bloom - all those c**ts - that earn all the f**king millions and the rest of us scrabble around for bits and bobs.” He forgot to mention that those actors had range and had played different characters in their respective films. Although, in Dyer’s defence, McGregor’s portrayals of Renton in Trainspotting and Christian in Moulin Rouge are scarily similar.

His present condition has been attributed, by some, to Dyer’s limited range as an actor, a claim he refutes passionately (well, we think passionately, he might have been suicidal, it’s hard to tell with Dyer), “That’s rubbish, only last week I was practising my ‘cheeky cockney father-to-be’ and ‘cheeky cockney traffic warden’ in front of the mirror and they were pretty f**king good, even if I do say so myself.”

Whatever the cause of Dyer’s current predicament, the man himself is determined to get himself out of the ‘cockney rut’ and has embarked on a mission to separate himself from his usual roles. To this end he is set to appear in the following plays, showing in East London theatres over the next 12 months; Cor Blimey Guv’nor; What a Pea-Souper; Gawd Bless yer Mary Poppins, I AM the Bow Bells and the little known, Up the Apples and Pears to me Trouble and Strife while the Old Bill Grabs me Farmer Giles’.

Good luck Mr Dyer, the world is watching…something else.   NJ