Ticket sales were poor for ‘Paul Burrell: A Butler’s Tale’

Johnny Clampdown, chairman of Piracy Funds Terrorists and Nasty People Inc, said “Piracy’s not a new thing. It's been around since the days of Captain Pugwash and Long John Silver. I guess it's gained more exposure in recent years due to the Pirates of the Caribbean series. But regardless of its popularity, it has to stop."

We then spoke to Sam Si-Saw, a Chinese gentleman and (according to his home made name badge) a ‘recorded entertainment and multimedia distributor’. Unfortunately, he spoke in what we think was Mandarin, making it a pretty crap and pointless interview really. The only phrases we were able to interpret were “looky looky”, “DVD” and “they tell me Cheshire is rather quaint this time of year. Would you agree?”

Regardless of Sam’s inability to speak English and whether he should legally be in the country, one thing is for certain: world cinema is on the ropes and due for a knockout any minute (otherwise known as ‘a Frank Bruno’).

This month's Guest Writer is Lauren McAllister, 31. Lauren is an interior designer and says that she can’t get enough of our site in between stencilling walls and arranging dried flowers.