Footballers Appeal For Fairer Discipline

Premier league footballers are up in arms over the “harsh” treatment they receive from match officials. A number of top-flight stars are fed up with receiving yellow and red cards for what they feel are fair challenges.

Bowyer was adamant he saw the ball down Dyer’s collar.

One footballer who wished to remain anonymous (master of simulation, Didier Drogba) said “It’s not fair that we get booked or worse still, sent off, for making wild challenges or diving. It’s really horrible because the manager tells us off and we get really upset.” Frank Lampard, a team-mate of the unidentified £24million Ivory Coast striker, said “It’s wrong. We get a measly £100k a week and we’re just not paid enough to endure this kind of abuse.”

Jeremy Roundbelly, Chair of the Justice for Referees Foundation, is equally disillusioned by what he feels is ‘personal mistreatment’. “The fans are the worst. They say things like “the referee’s a w@nker” and that I am blind. Both of these may be true, but there’s no need to mock me in front of thousands of people. And then there’s the players. You try to do your job, you know, keep it all fair and happy and al that, but there’s always someone who’s prepared to call you a really nasty name and upset you.

An investigation is being carried out by a pioneering body that represents footballers and match day officials alike. Justice for All Those Involved in the Game of Football (Players and Refs Only, Though) vow to ensure mistreatment is a thing of the past. Dressed as Batman, Kenny Fairchild, chief executive of the organisation, told us “Our mission is to create a fair and just environment where footballers and referees can live in harmony.” Fairchild was then joined by another senior of the group, Felix Impartial. The Wonder Woman costume-wearing Impartial, claimed “Our task is simple. All we need to do is the rid the game of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, racism, rape allegations, homophobia, underage sex and incest, although those Neville brothers are a law unto themselves.”        JG