GCSE Bonanza

The annual worry-fest that occurs in early August has finally been put behind the 600,000 students waiting for their GCSE results. It seems none of them needed to have worried. Pass rates went up again for the 45^th year in a row, prompting that other annual GCSE-related event; the ‘It’s all getting too easy’ debate.

The top students in the 'Holding Paper Aloft' class, show off their talents.

Peregrin Bookworm, a 98 year-old retired know-it-all from Scarborough, kicked off this year’s debate, calling the improved pass rate “…a scandalous figure, indicative of the declining standards and general deterioration of the country’s education system. I know what the highest marks were in - Hoody Studies, yes, that’s right, little bastards.” He continued, “When I was a child, the pass rate was something to be marvelled at as being almost unobtainable, but of course we still aspired to reach it. Those who did not make the grade were removed from the care of their parents and whipped on a nightly basis until they could multiply Pi by the sum of the internal angles of an isosceles triangle…in German. That separated the men from the boys, I can tell you. And back then, anyone separating men from boys was wholly unpopular in any case.”

Supporters of the current system welcomed the news of the improved figures. Marjorie Alwaysright from The Department of Education, said, “While I respect the senile and sentimental ramblings of members of past generations, I think we should also give credit to the pupils who have attained these grades. It’s not that the exams are getting easier, it’s the students who are improving.”

Stacey Spliffmonger, a GCSE student from Canning Town, had this to say on the question of declining standards, “The exams is well difficult, is it! Just getting to them is hard enough but then you got to sit down and write and that, innit! Maybe they should learn us writing and that, then we can well put down answers. Lucky they put them pictures in to help, is it!” Stacey received 10 A* grades and is currently considering lucrative job offers from several government departments.

A leaked GCSE Maths paper was recently passed to wemadethisup.com. Questions posed on the paper include; “Multiply 2 by 2 without using a calculator”, “If Johnny has one apple and Mary has 3 apples, how long will it take Johnny to impregnate Mary and apply for a council house?” and “Multiply the total of corners on a dodecahedron by the square root of 144 and divide the result by the number of times you tried to cheat during this exam.” With questions like these, the debate concerning the improved pass rates seems sure to roll on for another year.   NJ