God Is A Squirrel

Remarkable new satellite pictures released today have finally been able to provide us with some incredible answers about the biggest mystery humanity has ever known – God.  The Harp Satellite, recently sent into orbit around Heaven by the Russians, has sent hundreds of images back proving once and for all that God exists. But, for those who had never doubted, the real fascination was about the gender and even species of the Lord.

 Renowned for his stubbornness, God flatly refused to cut his nails.

Preliminary research had put forward the hypothesis that the Holy one in the clouds might be a woman, a theory ridiculed by religious institutions worldwide. Bookmakers have even been offering odds of 1000/1 on the latest highly anticipated images proving God to be an Ape. But the odds would have surely been over a million to one for what was discovered. The photographs released actually show that God, the all-seeing-eye, the Overlord and creator of our world is actually a squirrel. Yes, you read it right. It seems God is a large species of red squirrel, approximately fourteen times larger than the standard red squirrel seen on Earth.

In response to this undeniable proof that God isn't a generic looking fella with a beard in a nightie, the Vatican released the following statement; "We will be revising the Lord's Prayer in due course."

This month's guest writer is Stacey Cavanagh, 22, from Oldham. Stacey is currently studying English and Creative Writing at Salford University, which explains how she finds enough time to write (hopefully) fictional articles about red-furred Deities.