Gym Memberships To Rocket
As the excesses of the Christmas and New Year period sit heavily on people’s stomachs, gyms across the country are bracing themselves for the annual influx of guilt-ridden fatties. With New Year’s resolutions to lose weight and get fit being made the length and breadth of the UK, personal trainers everywhere are also greedily rubbing their hands in anticipation of an hourly-fee based windfall.
Even with the treadmills turned off, the lard people struggled to keep up.
Christmas excess is, of course, nothing new. It’s been going on for decades. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without the traditional ‘eating two and half platefuls of slaughtered foul and then falling asleep on the sofa while the dog licks your genital area’ (I swear I’d spilt some gravy down there, honest.) But then, as the merriment of seeing in the New Year abates, the realization that their clothes no longer fit them dawns on the weak-willed. It’s then that the gym owners unleash Operation ‘Hook Them While They’re Vulnerable’. Offers of getting one-month free, personalised fitness plans and even free Mars bars after every work out flood the market and the fledgling fatsters duly swarm to their local sweat-arena.
Ad Ductor, a personal trainer from Harrogate told us, “Eeee, it’s a right proper busy time of t’year it is. All those fat bastards what have gorged on turkey and stuffing and gallons of alcohol come rolling through t’doors, hoping for a quick fix. Then we hit them with t’hard sell, sign ‘em oop on a twelve month contract and they’re hooked. I’d say about seventy five percent give up after two months, lazy bastards.”
Owner of the ‘Get Fit, Fatty’ gym and former Ironman contender, Ian ‘Not An Inch Of Fat’ Harvey, from Essex, could hardly contain his glee at the impending cash blizzard, “I can’t f**kin wait. Bring on the lard-arses. I’ll put them through so much pain, they won’t ever want to eat, drink or fart again. I’m gonna f**k them up so bad, they’ll think they’ve been f**ked by a freight train. F**kin’ pussies.” Mr Harvey then dropped to the floor and did three hundred push ups and two hundred squat thrusts before getting to his feet and punching out a woman who just happened to be walking past at the time. We made our excuses and got the hell out.
We managed to speak to Alison Flabular, a new gym member from Trimming Sparetyre, who told us, “Well, I just filled myself up with so much crap over the last few weeks, I feel like the Michelin man, only fatter. I weighed ten stone in November, now I’m up to fourteen stone. Low calorie lard, my arse. I’m going to blast my quads, stretch my abs and faloogal my tranganoids.”
While the January sales are in full swing in the high street, it appears that the real killings are to be found in the fitness arena and there seem to be no-end of fat suckers willing to pony up the dough. Mmmm, dough. NJ