Henman Retires Shocker

Tim Henman, formerly Britain’s number one tennis player, has announced his intention to retire from the game after the latest round of Davis Cup matches. The shock at the press conference, held in New York ahead of the US Open, was palpable. Not just because of the announcement, but also because the majority of the journalists present were under the impression that Henman had already retired some years previously.

The match lost, Henman was reduced to doing his ‘Me so solly’ routine…

Henman burst onto the tennis scene in 1967 at the age of 30 after accidentally hitting a ball girl with a wayward shot. The next day, he attended a photo shoot where he apologised to the girl, gave her a bunch of flowers and then tongued her gratuitously before the world’s press. Luckily, that girl, Hermione, became his wife and has since given birth to 5 children; Todd, Pippy, Squit, Billy and Hilary. Between attempts to impregnate his wife, Henman took part in various tennis tournaments around the world. His minor successes included winning the Dubai under-18’s, the Droitwich junior championships and the Chicago charity mixed doubles, where he teamed up with Martina Gorrabendova, the former Yugoslavian men’s Olympic shotputter.

But Henman’s real rise to fame came when, on several occasions in the 90s, he was given byes all the way through to the Wimbledon semi-finals. The British public, buoyed the possibility that a home grown player might actually win his home tournament, flocked to the venue to witness what would become an annual letdown. A pile of refuse was turfed over and re-named Henman Hillock, after Sir Appleblossom Hillock, the Arctic explorer who discovered Hillocks in the frozen waters of the Arctic in 1745.

Despite his relative success (even Americans knew who he was) in recent years, Henman has complained of back trouble, wrist pain and an overall feeling of “I just can’t be arsed with it all”. His coach, Bill Crapserve, backed up his protogé’s sentiments, saying, “Henbo’s just reached that point that every athlete or sports person reaches, where they’ve made enough money and can afford to stop pretending to care. We’re looking at a number of avenues now, including writing an autobiography and starting up a Koi Carp farm in Ipswich.”

We managed to catch a few quick words with the former British number one as he left the press conference in New York. On the fact he has never won Wimbledon, he said, “Sometimes you have to accept that, despite your best efforts and all the practice, some match officials just refuse to be bribed.” When asked about the impending arrival of his sixth child and the effect it had on his retirement decision, he said, “Yeah, little Bobcat should be here soon and we’re chuffed. I’ll get to spend a lot more time with the family and hopefully Hermione can keep popping out the sprogs well into her 70s, the horny little minx.”

Tributes began to trickle out after the announcement, most notably from the current British number one, Andy McNab,  “Hoots mon, Tim’s retiring? Och and aye and bagpipes and a wee bit o’ Irn Bru made from girders. Taggart’s no gonna be happy aboot that.”   NJ