Carragher Told to ‘Calm Down’

Harry Enfield has a lot to answer for, even prior to his recent dire attempt at a comedy comeback. His stereotypical ‘Scouser’ characters have inspired millions to adopt bad Liverpool accents and wave their arms about. But now it seems that true scousers, like Liverpool footballer Jamie Carragher, have had enough and are taking matters into their own hands.

Carragher called 'finders keepers' on the abandoned Sierra Cosworth early doors. 

Carragher, who ‘retired’ from international football in 2007 due to not being picked ahead of Wes Brown (understandable really), decided enough was enough after his club’s FA Cup tie at Luton in January. Having been barracked by supporters from Luton Town’s ‘Corporate Boxes’ (a line of reclaimed allotment sheds) during the game, Carragher was seen to run to the alleged offenders after the final whistle, in an attempt to take issue with their comments. He climbed onto the small fence separating the pitch from the boxes and was heard to shout, “Come on then, let’s ‘ave it. It’ll be well boss!”

The occupants of the surrounding boxes were said to have been shocked and disturbed by the sudden appearance of a northerner in their midst and some actually said they feared for their handbags. Stacey O’Benefitcheque, enjoying a day of hospitality as a result of winning Luton’s annual ‘Most Illegitimate Kids in One Council House’ contest, told us, “I was f**kin’ shittin myself. I could hardly understand a f**kin’ word he was saying. All I could make out was blah blah blah, give me your hubcaps or sumink.”

Carragher’s anger was aimed specifically at a group of supporters who had donned curly black wigs and moustaches and were shouting the familiar Enfield-esque catchphrases. At first, onlookers thought Carragher had spotted relatives in the crowd and was going to say hello. The reality was that he was hell bent on retribution. With socks rolled down, shirt untucked and fresh cigarette placed between his lips, Carragher had reverted to his usual off-field appearance and was, as they say, ‘up for it’.

Bradley Buttonpusher, a well known wind-up merchant from Marsh Farm in Luton, was one of the box-dwellers shouting the phrases throughout the match and the apparently Carragher’s main target. “I couldn’t believe it,” he gushed to us, “he just came at us without warning. It was frightening, I tell you. He was wide-eyed and angry, pure scouse. They can’t take a bit of banter these prima donna Premier league players. It’s the same, no matter what. The black players can’t take bananas being thrown at them, the bald ones can’t take wigs being thrown and the less said about the arse bandits, the better.”

A spokesman for Liverpool Football Club issued this statement after the fracas had calmed down. “Liverpool Football Club would like to state that Mr Carragher’s actions were not in keeping with his usual demeanour. Usually he’s straight down the tunnel and into the dressing room for a few Tennant’s Extras and a pack of Dunhills. Clearly, the provocation in this instance must have been severe and we will be asking the police to look into what occurred before Mr Carragher’s so called attack, just as soon as we find a police officer in this town.”  NJ