Millionaire Pooch Gets Death Threats
A dog that inherited over £5m ($4.7b) has been taken into hiding after receiving numerous death threats. Trouble, a Maltese (it’s a model of dog apparently), inherited the money from it’s late owner, Crazy McLoopy, a former American hotelier. Now all the people who were ever on the end of Trouble’s apparently legendary yappy incisors are allegedly gunning for the pooch.
With the bodyguard distracted, the assassin moved in with the classic ‘two-fingered’ kill.
The money inherited has caused outrage, not least in the local cat community, who are apparently looking into the legislation surrounding these types of windfalls going exclusively to canines. Catty DiCattini, the Chaircat of the New York Cat League told us, “It just ain’t right, y’know? You’se gotta be kidding me, a freakin’ dawg getting’ all those greens while my brothers and sisters have to scrape and beg for the tiniest scraps. Those damn dawgs, all they gotta do is yap and hold a goddam paw in the air for a coupla seconds and the owners hand over the family jewels. We ain’t happy and we intend to do somethin’ about it, capiche?”
Simone Moneyforoldrope, the dog’s newly appointed stylist, told us what the money is spent on. “Well Trouble has to look good every day, so we do some pilates, followed by a facial and worming. Then it’s breakfast, which, like all her meals, is chef prepared, fresh every day. Then it’s a pedicure, a grooming and of course we always make time for Oprah. Then there’s the security and medical bills to pay and I won’t even start on the ridiculous amount I’m being paid to basically dog-watch. It’s a crazy world but this is why I love America, we’ve just got everything so out of perspective, we don’t know if we’re crying or shitting!” Miss Moneyforoldrope then proceeded to eat a miniature American flag.
The death threats received to date by Trouble’s people have been confirmed as of a ‘worryingly imaginative nature’ and are being taken seriously. One person is thought to have threatened to microwave Trouble into submission, while another threat allegedly promises to take her for a walk, pretend to throw a ball but actually not throw it, confusing the dog beyond what is widely considered to be humane.
It is understood that when Trouble does eventually die, either from natural causes or inside a kitchen appliance, she is to be buried alongside her late owners. Any money that hasn’t been siphoned off by Trouble’s ever growing entourage will be donated to the little known charity, F**k Cats, May They All Rot In An Alleyway While Eating Their Own Faeces. NJ