Mind The Sack

Emma Clarke, the ‘voice of the London Underground’, has been sacked after allegedly making derogatory comments about the service. Ms Clarke, whose voice we hear telling us to ‘Mind The Gap’ is thought to have said that the London Underground was ‘dreadful’ and that she could never travel on it herself. Ms Clarke has defended herself, claiming she was mis-quoted, but we’ll leave all that till later, as it’s a much juicier story as it is.

Panic sets in as engineers struggle to find the PA system’s off switch.

The trouble really started for Ms Clarke when she published spoof announcements on her own website. Announcements declaring that American tourists were talking too loudly did not go down too well with London Underground bosses. Arthur Tube-Rat, Head of Communications for London Transport said, “Ms Clarke has made a fool of herself, the London Underground and the handful of Americans who can understand proper well spoken Englandish. We can’t not be associated with her no more else we’ll be tanned with the same spoon and that.”

The spoof announcements on Ms Clarke’s website have now been removed as they were deemed too damaging to the image of London Underground. However, we have our spies and can now reveal two more of the ‘announcements’ that appeared on the site;

“Would those carrying backpacks please run very fast in the opposite direction whenever they see a policeman, just so we can see if they f**k up again.”

“Welcome to Kings Cross station, alight here for one of the capital’s seediest areas, choc full of AIDS ridden eastern European prostitutes and where there are dancing bears on every corner.”

With regard to the alleged derogatory comments, Ms Clarke claims that she was ‘wildly misquoted’, actually saying that it would ‘dreadful’ for her to travel on the Tube because it would too creepy, hearing her own voice every two minutes.

She has apparently been trying to contact the people at London Underground to explain the misunderstanding but she keeps being put on hold by ‘the cold and disembodied voice of a heartless robot’ on their automated phone service. A source at London Underground has confirmed to us that Ms Clarke also provides the voice for said telephone service. Ms Clarke’s reaction to this news was a very simple, “Oh, bollocks”.  NJ