New Wood For…Slightly Less New Wood
Government ministers have today given the go ahead for hundreds of acres of woodland to be felled and cleared to make way for more forests. The initiative is a reaction to the public outcry at the amount of land being given up to housing projects throughout the country.
Tony Woodlice, the minister who has spearheaded the ‘project’, issued this statement. “We in the Government are not deaf to the demands of the public and to this end we have decided to listen to what they have to say on the subject of green belt land being reclaimed for housing. We have decided, after lots of meetings, focus groups and playdates that if all these lovely patches of woodland are to be destroyed, then what better reason than to provide space for more forests? We can get the local communities involved too. Local residents will be asked to plant a tree, sponsor it, name it and perhaps dress it up as a small girl on special occasions. The money raised by the sponsorship will go to similar projects throughout the country.”
Clearly off his rocker, Mr Woodlice refused to take further questions from the dozens of press representatives gathered at the outdoor press conference in Tetbury, after someone asked the question, “Isn’t this the most ridiculous waste of public time and money in the history of politics?”
Mr Woodlice’s deputy, Norman Chopchop, confirmed that a number of other projects were being considered as a result of this project being given the green light. Apparently there are plans to bulldoze thousands of homes in order to make way for new ones and dozens of rivers are to have their natural courses diverted to make way for even more rivers and lakes, which will then be filled with fish so that local fish enthusiasts can catch and eat them.
Sir David Attenborough, legendary naturalist and whispery voiced TV star, upon hearing the latest proposals, simply said, “Oh for f**k’s sake.”
This month's Guest Writer is Jamie Edwards, apparently 18, (although we're note sure who he thinks he's fooling). Jamie is a student, studying, well, he didn't say, so we'll say...a degree in fake IDs. More power to you, Jamie.