New Year Break-Ups Become The Norm

As the emotional high of Christmas and New Year fades away, it seems that love is getting dragged down with the annual misery-fest that is early January. 2008’s first month saw the number of splits reach record highs, with the number of unwanted Christmas presents being returned to stores also up by, oh, let’s say 569%.

"I want that Remington Ladyshave back you hormonal bitch!"

It’s becoming a common occurrence these days; a couple get together a few months before December and everything seems fine. Then the party season descends and everyone gets into the spirit. Maybe a few too many beverages are consumed and that secret long-dormant lusting for Jenny from Accounts rears it’s head and before you know it, you’ve cheated on your partner of 4 months. Clearly, it’s easily done and numerous people have fallen foul to the spectre of Christmas party bunk-ups and their painful consequences.

Freddie Twotimer, a Data Entry clerk from Warrington, told us his story. “Well, I was happy with my girlfriend who I’d got together with in August. Then the office party came along and before I knew it, it was trousers down, skirt up and I was having it away in the stationery cupboard with this lass from our Payroll department. She said she’d always liked me but had never had the guts to approach me. Of course, as I’m a fella, I was all over her like a rash, the dirty little minx. After Christmas, my girlfriend found out and went loopy. She gave me back the Tommy Hilfiger hot pants I’d given her for Christmas and did the off. I’d say I’m gutted but frankly this new bird’s a right tearaway in the sack, so it’s win-win for me.”

As well as the annual infidelity merry-go-round, January break-ups are also being attributed to pure greed, especially on the female front. Lucy Milkhim from Daventry told us, rather frankly, “I was seeing this guy for a few weeks before Christmas and he seemed quite loaded so I hung on and performed all sorts of sexual acts on him till the big day. Sure enough he went and bought me a proper flash Elizabeth Duke necklace, five CDs, a DVD player and a DVD of the film Pearl Harbour, a shit load of perfume and a peephole bra. Obviously some of the stuff is a bit trashy so I’ll be returning the Pearl Harbour DVD, I’ve got standards after all. Anyway, come Boxing Day I dropped him like a bad habit. He had a moan and all that but I got him a bloody keyring, what more does he want?”

Dating agencies and websites are enjoying their busiest time of year, with thousands signing up in an attempt to put their recent splits behind them. Matthew Pimpington, founder of desperateandgaggingforit.com, told us, “January is always a bumper time of year for us. We get all sorts of members signing up. They’re obviously desperate for some new year loving as some of the photos they submit leave little to the imagination. I tell you, when you see a fella wearing nothing but an old Christmas bauble in a very personal place while holding a placard that says ‘Come and get it’, you despair for Cupid.”

The Samaritans have also received a record number of calls from people in despair after being dumped, although allegations that they are directing callers to Mr Pimpington’s website are being vehemently denied.  NJ