New Years Honours List Goes Crazy

Honours such as OBEs and knighthoods used to be highly regarded and respected titles. Recipients would have had to have led incredible lives and done fantastic deeds in order to have been awarded them. Edmund Hilary climbed the highest mountain in the world and so was knighted. Douglas Bader fought off the Germans and lost a leg in the process and he too was made a ‘Sir’. This year, Bob Scratchpole from Warminster was made a CBE for finding his next door neighbour’s cat in his shed.

After two hours of struggling, the Queen finally admitted the sword was too heavy..

Cynics are declaring that the honours dished out over the New Year are now meaningless because the recipients don’t have to do anything major to get them. While Kylie Minogue, who received an OBE for making her comeback after beating cancer, could be considered a worthy honouree, the same might not be said for some others. Mary Sponge from Catterick, for example, has been made a Dame for ‘services to shelf stacking’. Mary has worked at her local Tesco superstore for three months and her ‘hard work and dedication in keeping the fruit juice aisle well stocked’ has apparently earned her the new title.

Marco Von Tipplethwat from Potter’s Bar has been made a CBE for ‘services to the unemployed community’. Mr Von Tipplethwat has been unemployed for fourteen years and his efforts to get to the benefit office on a regular basis have been seen as an honour-worthy pursuit. He was unavailable for comment however, as he was, according to his daughter, “down the pub, spending his welfare.”

The government has been quick to defend the awards. Spencer Slimyhand, speaking for the Department of Timewasting said, “The New Year’s honours list has been compiled through a vigorous vetting procedure and numerous nominations. I myself was up for a knighthood but was denied on the grounds that I’ve been in employment for too long and didn’t help a blind midget across the road in the last three months. That’s fair enough, I say.”

The public have been having their say too. Gerard Butkiss from Ipswich, himself given an OBE while we spoke to him for making these very comments, told us, “I don’t know what the world’s coming to. You get an award for doing nothing but can I get a bus pass? It’s ridiculous. What next? Knighthoods for aggravated assault?” Marlene McNervous from Glasgow told us, “My next door neighbour’s Gecko was given an MBE for ‘services to standing still and being lizard-like’. I just don’t get it. Last week I pulled forty seven people from a burning building and cured cancer and all I got was a Ł20 voucher from my local Netto. It just ain’t right.”

The Queen was distancing herself from the selection process, saying only that “I only hand them out, don’t have a go at me. It’s hard enough tapping people on the shoulders with a half-ton sword, ta very much. My triceps are bigger than Rambo’s, I tell thee.”   NJ