Hammond Admits New After Effects Of Mega Crash

Richard ‘The Gerbil’ Hammond has admitted recently that he is suffering from follow-on problems after he spectacularly crashed a jet-powered car in 2006. Soon after being released from hospital, the midget television presenter admitted that certain things in his life had changed as a result of the crash. He liked foods he hadn’t previously liked, he noticed different personality traits in himself and (rather obvious, this one) was having trouble with his short term memory. Actually, he told everyone that twice in half an hour for some reason. But now ‘The Chinchilla’ has revealed that, eighteen months on from the crash that nearly killed him, he is still having ‘odd reactions’ to everyday things.

Hammond’s new ‘Honey Magnet’ raised a few eyebrows in the Top Gear office.

In an interview for ‘Brave Fieldmice’ magazine, Hammond admitted that he still wakes up in the middle of the night, thinking he’s trapped in a lump of Emmental cheese and covered in golden syrup. His wife, apparently, has to hold him down and wipe a flannel soaked in cod liver oil over his face, while reciting Philip Larkin poetry. Only then does he come out of his ‘Swiss Cheese’ trance and take stock of his surroundings. Psychologist, Dr Martha Von Hoeplemann-Temptress, puts Hammond’s night-time experiences down to deep-seated psycho-sematic triggers which were activated after the crash damaged part of his frontal lobe. Put in Layman’s terms, Dr Hoeplemann-Temptress described Hammond as ‘a f***ing nutjob’.

Hammond’s co-presenters, Jeremy ‘The Behemoth’ Clarkson and James ‘The Afghan Hound’ May, have expressed their disbelief at some of their colleague’s strange behaviour. Clarkson told us, “It’s as if he’s been taken over by another man, a man who likes celery, a man who can do handstands unaided, a man who can speak fluent German. Now that’s just not on.” May added, “My knees hurt.”

“The Guinea Pig” has also been seen out jogging. Nothing too weird about that, you might think. Until you take into account the fact that he drags behind him a joint of beef on a lead, while repeatedly shouting, “Come along Beatrix, we’ll be late for the Flying Scotsman!”

Hammond’s friends and family are standing by him, but our sources at the BBC tell us that those in the upper echelons of the Corporation are keeping a close eye on his progress. “They are wondering just how off his rocker he’s going to go,” our source said, “if he gets any worse, they’re seriously considering making him Director General.”  NJ